Kids

I'm so hungry..

Well, it's official....Zoe has stopped nursing, and I'm depressed. So I started eating. A LOT. OK, not much more than I had been but it was so hard to stop. So I've decided to lose twenty pounds in ten days....we'll see how that goes. I'll let you know how the diet goes, I'm looking forward to the results but having a hard time with the diet itself!! HELP ME!!!

Confessions of a Desperate (working)Wife

It's time to confess something....this is going to be so hard, but here goes................

















.............................I'm a terrible housekeeper. For those of you who know me well, this comes as no big shocker. But to those of you with whom I am only a passing acquaintance.....I'm sorry to disappoint you. But when it comes to things of domesticity, I SUCK. There's just no getting around it. I was bad when I stayed at home, but at least then I tried. Sort of. Now? Now that I'm working too many hours a week to count? Forget it. The house is worse than ever. I do try to keep the floor swept, because Zoe is down there now and it grosses me out to think about her putting anything nasty in her mouth. But gone are the days of vacuuming the floor and mopping it three times a day with my special neato floor cleaner. I don't know what I'm going to do! We have so many clothes that I don't know what to do with them. I try to sit down and go through them, I get six or seven large black garbage bags full of clothes, I take them somewhere, I drop them off. Then when I return home I find my clothes have mated, and I have just as many as I did when I started. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! Why, for the love of pete can't I get organized??? Why is it my lot in life to be messy? Why was I born a clutterbug? Why do I keep things obsessively, and have such a hard time throwing things away??

I'm reaching out here, so tell all your friends and neighbors to speak up...leave me some comments, please, with serious suggestions about cleaning with limited time, limited money, and limited resources for help??? And please, skip the "flylady" she doesn't work for me, I just get confused and want to punch the computer. PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm desperate.....so desperate. And my family will thank you. Trust me........

What is it all worth?????

We looked into a preschool/"day care" program today....I shudder at the thought of "day care" for my children, but this was different. I suppose. Besides costing more than your average "day care" this one is close to our house, versatile, and they seem to really care about the kids they're caring for. The plus side to the cost? They aren't overrun with kids, and parents are more likely to leave sick kids at home. They're nice, and the kids both seemed to take to the people we ran into today. But what is it all worth?

Our kids' care has gone from a blessing to a chore for those involved in it. My grandmother got dragged further into it than she ever agreed to originally, and now with Michael's mom having had surgery on her wrist....she seems less than interested in resuming her care of our kids. Not only because she can't for a couple of months, but the fact of the matter is : we feel as though it's a burden to her, rather than something she offered to do. We are confused. We can't afford the care somewhere like the place we're looking into....but if our children can't be cared for here in our home by someone we know, love, and trust....then we want the best money can buy. Besides, it's only for a little while longer....right?????? Hopefully I'll get hired at one of the major hospitals and they provide child care.....so we won't have to pay for it. Until then, I guess we suck it up, take out a loan, and pay for it outright. Either way we're going to hear about it for the rest of our lives.

Disappointments and let downs....

It seems like when we least expect it we let others down, or are disappointed by something someone does to us. And with some folks it seems to happen more often than with others. Sometimes we don't expect something to happen and it does. Why does it seem like when someone we love and care about lets us down it's ten thousand times worse? I guess the answer to that is obvious.....it's because we actually care about them. And we think they should care about us too, so when they let us down (intentionally or not) it's like salt in a wound.

Dealing with the disappointments, I suppose, proves to ourselves and to others what kind of person we are....

I'm so tired, but it's worth it

I spent the entire day in the OR at Harris today. AWESOME, in one word. I was with a surgeon who happens to be an instructor at TCOM and he had two med students with him today, too. So I got the benefit of being right behind him as he did his surgeries. I LOVED IT!!! I learned all about the awesome workings of the operating suites. I very much enjoyed my rotation in there and I'm begging for another day. I desperately want to see a heart surgery now. But I helped with the count, I helped prep the patients, I helped transfer the patient from gurney to operating table and back again, then I helped transfer the patients to the PACU. Plus I learned so much! The surgeon I was with is named Dr Buchanan. If you're in need of a general surgeon, he's great!! Meticulous, caring, and well versed.

I think I'm the most exhausted I've been in a long time but it's so worth it. I'm giving these kiddos a future they would not otherwise have.....and myself and Michael too.

"Elmo Sauce All The Time!"

My picky little eater.....his favorite thing to eat is "Elmo Sauce" (aka applesauce). Now it's just about the only thing we can get in his tummy on a consistent basis. I'm not worried. He'll eat when he's good and ready, right??? Well....really and truly I'm not that concerned though he is becoming more difficult to feed. I think he's just flexing his independent muscles. He'll learn soon enough that what is offered is all there is....and he'll eat it, even if he doesn't like it! But in the meantime, things could be worse, I suppose.....

Pirates of The Caribbean : Dead Man's Chest

Michael and I went to see this movie last night. In a word? Awesome. Let's start with the double entendre of the movie's title itself. Dead Man's Chest....when you see the movie you'll understand the brilliancy of this title. Great.

For the movie itself?? Incredible. Cinematography is great, the fight scenes were good....I'll let Michael comment on those, he's better qualified than I am. Suffice it to say for now that I thought they were great!! People who had a problem with Johnny Depp....PUH-LEEEZE!! He's great. He's funny, charismatic, and different. So he's a little popsy, who cares? So he sashays when he walks, who cares? So he looks like a death metal rocker, who cares? Not me!! The fact that he makes no bones about his inspiration is good. But people treat that like it's some sort of a crime, like he isn't coming right out and saying that yeah, Keith Richards is his inspiration for Captain Jack Sparrow! It's not like he's hiding that fact. Leave him alone, OK? He's funny!!

Legolas (I don't know his real name), aka Will Turner is cute. I don't mean his looks, but his character. You feel for him, he's so brave. But really it's Keira Knightly who's the true brave soul. Their relationship is nice, but you hope for more. That's all I'll say on that one.

The movie is gory. Not like blood and guts gory, but it's kind of graphic. Davy Jones is disgustingly creepily awesome looking. His undead crewmen are REALLY graphic. The shark-headed guy is weirdly appealing. Not sure why.....

This movie DEFINITELY deserves it's PG-13 rating, and I'd even say a STRONG PG-13. This movie is NOT for kiddos younger than 13. And PLEASE don't take your really little ones to this movie, you'll just give them nightmares!!

The Kracken is cool. The Flying Dutchman is cool. Don't expect the movie to wind up its storyline! I looked at the clock at 9:15 and wondered how in the heck they were going to wrap it up in fifteen minutes. But they didn't. It's ready for the sequel. And so am I!! Bring it ON!!! I can't wait.....all in all a really, really, really good movie. A+

You Could Be Happy......

There is a band that I currently am in love with. They are called Snow Patrol, and they rock quite honestly. They have a song called "Happy" and I LOVE this song for a number of reasons. I like the unique musical undertones it has, with a tinkling sound at the beginning like a music box or something. It's nice. Check it out. The whole album's greatness.

Now, onto the reason for this blog in the first place :

I heard a song on XM this morning at 5:30 when I was driving into work....it's Jars of Clay's version of "I'll Fly Away." It was awesome.....it made me feel uplifted in a way that song hasn't been able to in a long, long time. When a song is used in a loved one's funeral, I tend to associate all kinds of unhappy connotations to it. It just so happens that particular song was sung at my Papa's funeral. Needless to say, I have not been able to make it through it since then. This morning, I was comforted. I sang along. I didn't even cry!! I'm so proud of myself, I think I'll buy it on itunes tonight!!

Michael and I are going to check out Pirates of The Caribbean : Dead Man's Chest tonight. Look for a review tomorrow!!

I guess I'm pooping....

Strange title, I know. But it's come down to this : my milk is drying up and pumping has become more painful than productive. If only it were as simple as breastfeeding more, but (un)fortunately Zoe doesn't wake up until well after I'm gone in the mornings, and it doesn't make any sense for me to wake her up before I leave because I run the risk of her not going back to sleep and being cranky. Then I leave a cranky baby with a husband who is just as cranky because she's cranky. No thank you. The problem with nursing her when I get home in the evenings is this : she won't do it. And if she does it's only on one side and only for about five minutes. I've tried. BELIEVE ME....and what I've realized is this : if all I'm doing is mourning what I'm losing, then I'm not taking the time to enjoy what I've got. And what I've got is a beautiful, healthy, happy little girl whom I was Blessed (and lucky enough) to have breastfed for nearly 10 months. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm coming to terms to having to stop nursing. The obvious truth is : I haven't actually breastfed her (as in she's nursed directly) in over a week and a half. I've been pumping and allowing her to have it in the bottle. And obviously without actual stimulation, my milk is going bye bye.

My problem now lies is this : I'm never going to get to nurse another baby. Michael and I have decided that we're done having babies. So perhaps the reason I've fought giving up so hard is because I know that I'll never have the chance to do it again. I've come to grips with feeding her formula, I'm OK with that now. And I realized that if she's OK with not breastfeeding anymore, then I should be too. But mourning the fact that I'm never having another baby is a different story altogether. And that prospect is so sad. It's going to take a whole lot longer to accept than did the decision to stop breastfeeding.

I'd appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers, because it's a really difficult and stressful time right now.

Something REAL

Everybody spends their lives searching for something real, myself included. Nothing we have is really ever good enough for us, so we're constantly searching for something more. I suppose that's because when we're finally content with what we have, we're afraid something better just MIGHT come along, and if we become complacent where we are, we might miss an opportunity. I don't know if that's a fact or not, it's just a theory I'm tossing out there.
Take me for instance, I spent the better part of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or waiting for something better to come along. Right around the corner, I just knew, something better was waiting. All I had to do was run full speed towards the unseen better thing. Occasionally I would find something and, thinking it to be somehow "better" I'd embrace it. Other times I'd run smack into a brick wall and knock myself silly. For whatever reason I'd always get back up and continue in that same direction. Why?? Not sure, really. Probably something to do with my hormonal imbalance?? Gee, I don't know.

Take turning 16, for instance. When you're the youngest person in your class turning 16 seems like such a badge of honor....you're the last one to drive, all your friends are driving now, and you're not. You still have to rely on everyone else to cart you around...YOU want to drive fast down Bryant Irvin road like Julie Goodwin does. But you can't. Because you're only 15. So you hope and you cross your fingers and you beg the year to fly by so you can turn 16 and get that precious piece of plastic or paper or whatever the heck it is. All the time not realizing that roughly ten years later you'll be praying just as hard that the year will slow down, that the days will drift lazily by because each day that flies by is one less day you have to spend with your precious family and children. But no matter how much you pray, how much you beg, time always goes slower when you're 15 about to turn 16 than when you're 26 about to turn 27, and all you want in the whole world is every second you can spend with your precious family to drift like a cobweb on a spring breeze.

OK, seriously though....THAT, my friends is as real as it gets. Family. So make the most of each day that you have, be happy with what you have and if you're not happy, then make strides to change it!! Don't settle. Don't think that what you've got is all you'll ever have. Just realize that each day is a gift from GOD, and today is all we know that we have. Give a hug. Give a kiss. Give someone a flower that you picked just for them. And for goodness' sake, take time out of each day just to appreciate the things around you that are REAL. I promise you, things you once took for granted will make you smile from head to toe when you think about them that way!!

Hope you have a Blessed Day.....

Complete and Utter Sadness....

If you have never breastfed a baby, disregard this post. For those of you who read my blog and have breastfed, you know what I'm about to say. Two things : first, Daniel is almost 2 and a half. He stopped nursing at 14 months, because I was pregnant with Zoe and it was causing me to leach calcium from my bones to supply the milk...not good mum, not good. He's HUGE...39 inches tall, and growing every day. When I hold him, I realize just how big he's getting and it makes me cry. He's no longer my precious baby boy who said and did such adorable things. He is becoming a big boy! And it breaks my heart. Now we zoom in on Zoe : she's 9 months, almost 9.5, and she is trying to stop breastfeeding. I CAN'T STAND IT, I spend nights crying about it. I still pump twice a day, but it's just not the same and I wonder "why bother," because she's getting adequate nutrition from formula. Now don't get all uptight, I think formula is great for some folks, but I never thought it was for MY kids. I wanted, no I NEEDED, to go to a year with Zoe. But here we are, staring almost 10 months in the face and we're going to have to stop. It hurts so badly that at times I cannot breathe. I feel like a failure, I feel as though I'm letting my baby girl down, and I'm giving up and giving in. She deserves better she deserves me to fight...but how much harder can I fight??? I'm doing everything I know to do, and yet I can't keep up with her. And I'm tired of fighting, it takes so much energy that I have none left to do anything else. It's coming down to poop or get off the pot on this, because we have to make some adjustments and decisions. ANY suggestions would help....any "been there, done that" stories to share?? Anybody got secrets other than Fenugreek, Mother's Milk Tea, and Blessed thistle?? I'm listening!!!!

These songs have spoken to me...I hope they speak to you

"Who Am I" by Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Chorus:

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

"Voice of Truth" also by Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes

To climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone

Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name

And they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again.

"Boy, you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

Chorus:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"

The voice of truth says,

"This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant

With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors

Shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name

And he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again.

"Boy you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size

To put the giant on the ground

And the waves they don't seem so high

From on top of them lookin' down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

"Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)" Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner

Lost and left to die

O, raise your head, for love is passing by

Come to Jesus

Come to Jesus

Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted

And carried far away

And precious blood has washed away the stain,

So Sing to Jesus

Sing to Jesus

Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby

Don't be afraid to crawl

And remember when you walk

Sometimes we fall...

So Fall on Jesus

Fall on Jesus

Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely

And steep and filled with pain

So if your sky is dark and pours the rain,

Then Cry to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over

And music fills the night

And when you can't contain your joy inside,

Then Dance for Jesus

Dance for Jesus

Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat

Kiss the world goodbye

Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side,

And Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus and live!

Childish Dreams and Mature Searchings

When I was a little kid I wanted to be a marine biologist. More than anything in the world, I wanted to someday work with marine mammals. I thought that it would be the coolest job in the world, because I could work at Sea World, or some place like that. Or perhaps I could spend eight months of the year on a boat in the middle of the ocean. All of this was appealing to me because I thought this was my callilng. But as I looked into it more, I realized that I could never have a family if I chased that dream. So, I dropped it. I still in my heart have a passion for marine life, and love to study their behaviors. I guess it's a hobby of mine.

Now I'm chasing my other passion : Medicine. I'm achieving a dream of another sorts. I'm finally doing something about my ambitions. I'm finally doing something to make my family proud of me, and something that makes me feel good at the same time. I've searched for so long that it's difficult to accept that my searching is finally over. Realizing that you no longer have to search and settle, is comforting on so many different levels. You feel a sense of relief, but you also feel trepidation...what will the future bring, now? Only time will tell....but all I know is : it feels pretty good right now.

Long days, even shorter nights

Zoe started crawling Sunday!! She can't move very quickly or very far, but she's moving back and forth from her knees to her bottom and moving along the floor a little bit. I miss her.

Daniel has become very defiant. Not sure why, but it's getting old. I wish he would stop. Even at that, I miss him and my heart aches being away from him.

Michael is a fabulous daddy. He takes such great care of the kids, I hardly even have to remind him of things to do for them. I'm proud of him. I miss him.

I look forward to clinical rotations on Wed-Fri at Harris Downtown. It's WONDERFUL!! I only wish I didn't have to be away from my family during the days. I need to be with them, because it is what recharges me. I miss them all (yes, Michael too....) so much when I'm away. Classes are going well, and I'm enjoying this level. I only wish I could do it from home.

Lonesome Dove was awesome.