Zoe's Birthday photo shoot

We visited "Portrait Innovations" they were awesome! I highly recommend them!!!! They're amazing. Zoe was happy, and this is one of my favs, but for some reason we didn't get any of it!! Enjoy!!

:)

Indescribable

Today the completely unexpected happened to me. I was in line at Garden Ridge, ready to pay for my $37 worth of stuff. I had both kiddos with me, and I had ventured there by myself. Brave? Yeah, I know! But that’s not the unexpected part! I handed the cashier my debit card, and turned around to catch Daniel as he was trying to take off. I gave Zoe the toy she kept knocking off her stroller, and when I straightened up the cashier asked me, “ma’am I need to see your ID.” Of course. I did not HAVE my ID with me in the store, because I don’t generally make a practice of taking it in with me. I’m not sure why I don’t, I just don’t. So I said something to the effect of, “you’re kidding me! It’s in my car but I can’t go all the way back out there with both of them and then all the way back in. None of this stuff is necessary right now, I’ll just come back later. Sorry to bother you.” The woman in the next lane hands me a twenty dollar bill. She smiles and says “I don’t know how much your bill is, but here!” And the woman in line behind me says “here’s my credit card, and here’s my ID to prove I’m me!” These two complete strangers paid my totally unnecessary Garden Ridge bill. But they don’t know what they actually did. They renewed my faith in humankind. Honestly. I told the woman behind me that really she didn’t need to do that. Her answer? “I know, I WANT to. I saw your little boy’s face when you picked up those pumpkins. Consider it a Birthday present for your little girl.” I managed to get her first name : Sue. So, God Bless Sue and the other angel in human clothing today at Garden Ridge. You touched me beyond belief. And, thanks to you I don’t have to go back for light up jack o’lanterns and decorations for Zoe’s birthday party. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! Amazing that there are still good people in this world who will do an unexpected kindness for a total stranger.

Time to focus...focus...focus!!

Two things in this world that are most important : GOD and FAMILY. All else is extraneous. Why then, do we seem to focus on that which is not important, in the long scheme of things? Gee, I have my theories; the foremost of which is : simply, we're human.

Yeah, as humans we get caught up in the day to day grind, the "wonder what they think of me" and the "wonder if that means what I think it means" and sometimes we get so caught up in our careers and in making money that we neglect 1 & 2.

Lest we forget, take the time to stop today : stop and just look around you -- realize that those people who you think are boosting you just might be tearing you down. They may be allowing you to harm yourself in ways you can't even begin to imagine right now. Then look at 1 & 2 -- are they being taken care of? Or are "other things" becoming more important? Then ask yourself how do you get back to 1 & 2....and remember : just like Nike said, JUST DO IT!!

I hope you start out each day anew, and Blessed by those around you. Don’t be bogged down, don’t allow yourself to get sucked in, rise above it all : and hold your head up high, knowing full well that you have been what you were supposed to be all along. It’s OK if, by chance, you get caught up in the mess of it all…it happens, after all.

Remember : we are only human, but our Heavenly Father is Divine…and HE forgives all. You just need to ask. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could take a page from His book, and forgive others…try it today, you just might find it’s the most indescribable feeling…So go ahead, forgive that coworker for looking at you funny, forgive that bad driver for cutting you off, forgive the person who didn’t know any better who said that hurtful thing without thinking. See how you feel.

Here's to just doing it.

Fun with zoom and black and white

This is the look of total concentration!

deep in thought....it takes much concentration to do these sorts of things well!

Peek a boo!!!!

Is he not the prettiest, er I mean cutest boy ever??

Cutest baby girl ever born? yeah, I think so....

check out more pics in Zoe's blog!

Cutest kids in the universe!

Where am I going?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like without certain constants in it? For me, I cannot possibly imagine what life was like before BOTH of my children were here. I think we all date our lives by milestones, be they happy or extremely sad. As I approach my 27th birthday, and my daughter’s 1st I am taking the time to sit back and reflect where I was before all “this” happened. When I was turning 16, I can distinctly remember being thrilled – because it meant I was going to start driving! Then I turned 18, I could vote! Then 21, drinking time (though I did not do it until substantially later). 25, it’s a quarter of a Century…that’s a big deal, right? But 27 – all that means is I’m one year closer to the big 3-0! Now I’m literally “pushing 30,” and I’ll transition from my “mid-20s” to my “late 20s.” All of which borders on depressing! But then I realize something : while I may not be exactly where I’d hoped to be 10 years ago I am where I am supposed to be. No matter what happens, I’m where I’ve been headed my whole life.

Idiots

I cannot stand idiots. Idiot drivers. Idiot pilots. Idiot store clerks. Anyone who is ignorant, and seems to have nothing better to do with their time than waste mine. ARGH doesn't anyone care these days???

And what is it with gossipmongers??? Do they honestly think people cannot see right through them??

5 years and 11 months....

Five years ago on September 11 the world changed forever. Eleven months ago, on October 11, 2005, my life also changed forever. The first, the entire world knows about. The second, only a tiny fragment of the world's populus knows about and would even care about. The second was the birth of my second child, my precious baby girl Zoe. When I look at her, and marvel at how much she has grown and changed I think back on her birth. I think about how she was so highly anticipated, how we prayed that things would go just right and how when they didn't, we remained strong. And I think about the support we received from friends and strangers alike. Today, Zoe is a beautiful babbling 11 month old who sleeps through the night...we're talking 12 horus here, people! But looking at her and loving her makes me sad too. It makes me sad for 2,996 moms who every day must mourn the loss of their child. It makes me sad for the mom of Kaaria Mbaya, and the rest of the families of 9/11 victims. It makes me sad for the families of all of the service men and women who have lost their lives in the war we are currently waging in Iraq and Afghanistan. It is truly humbling to be thankful for so much. You realize that truly, the everyday grind is really not all that important. You understand the importance of being deeply, and truly thankful for each day we are given. I am trying to live that thankfulness in my everyday life right now. I made a pledge to God to live for Him. To worship Him with my actions, not just my words. To allow Him to dwell in my heart. And I remember every day not to forget the sacrifices that were made on 9.11.01, and continue to be made around the world every day so that I have the freedom that I so love and treasure. I will never take it for granted again.

**I will be posting a response to the responses I have received on my open letter post. I want to say thank you to the heartfelt comments, and I want to say thank you for being open and honest with me. I have been, and still am, mulling them all over. And Danny I promise I'll be calling you back again!! :)**

Kaaria Mbaya

Kaaria Mbaya died at the age of 39 on September 11, 2001. He was the victim of the senseless and confusing and terribly hurtful terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City. His mother, Vertistine Mbaya, is a college biochemistry professor who wanted nothing but the best for all 5 of her children. She sent them one by one to universities in the United States, when they reached college age in their native Nairobi.

Kaaria graduated from Villanova University with a degree in Computer Science, a school which was carefully chosen for him by his American born mother.

Although he became a senior computer analyst at Cantor Fitzgerald, with an office high in the World Trade Center, Kaaria Mbaya had other plans for himself. He wanted his own software-development business and his own home. Already living in Edison, he was about to purchase a house in North Jersey; the mortgage papers, his mother said, arrived after his death.

He was also a budding artist, and friends stated that you could see "his soul" in his artwork.

Though he was single, Kaaria left behind a large extended and immediate family. Though the Kenyan embassy stated that no Kenyans perished in the attacks on 9/11, they were quite obviously mistaken.

He is now buried beside his father on the side of Mount Kenya

An Open Letter To The Church

Here we are, and yet nobody seems to care. When you are sitting in a room with hundreds of other people, you expect to feel a little overwhelmed, sure. But you don't expect to feel as though you are invisible. You don't want to see the disapproving looks you're given because your eleven month old daughter just "won't be quiet." Nobody likes to hear the whispered "don't they have a nursery" comments, and even worse nobody likes to sit like a bump on a log while everybody around them that they know looks at them like they're not there. I don't like feeling bitter, and I don't like feeling as though I'm judged because of something they perceive someone I'm attached to did. I don't like the vibe I got today, and I didn't feel like I was at home. I felt as though my presence went unnoticed by some, and flat out ignored by others. Here's the catch : I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG...in fact, I didn't do anything at all. And, for the record, my mother in law did not "abandon" anyone or anyones children. She did what she felt she had no other choice but to do, and that is leave a place she felt did not appreciate her and did not feed her Spiritually. I went to Church today, with my daughter. I went with high hopes, and left embittered. Sure, some people spoke to me but it was the cursory "hey how are you" and walk away quickly because God forbid you stay to listen to someone when you ask that question. Oddly enough, I'm not angry. But I am sad. I guess I shouldn't be, because I've never actually felt like I belonged at Altamesa. I always felt like a sort of secondary cog -- I was there because of Michael. And that our "place" there consists of one thing : doing VBS. And even that was taken away from us for awhile. I like how people at Church can pretend really well, how they can be one way to your face yet a completely different way when your back is turned, or you are not present to defend or explain yourself. So ridiculous. It all goes back to my wishing folks would be genuine. I wish folks would express themselves honestly, and not hold things inside. I wish people would just stop and listen to themselves sometimes. I wish SOMEONE would have reached out to me this morning, anyone at all. I know there are some of you who are "glad" to see me gone. It is not to you that I am speaking, because there is no use. But to the rest of you, here it goes : if you want to reach out to me, please do. Call me. Email me. Leave me a comment with your name so I'll know who it is. But I won't be getting my hopes up. No, I'm not foolish enough to think anyone actually will. I'm disillusioned now, and that saddens me most of all. Church should not be a business. Church should be in the business. The business of saving souls, and reaching out. For a Church whose motto is "reaching up to God and out to people" I do not feel reached out to, and that hurts perhaps the worst of all.

Unless a miracle occurs, I do not see myself returning to the Altamesa church. To those of you I leave behind who might actually notice and care that I'm gone I say : let me know. In some way, let me know that it affected you that I can no longer see myelf at the church. I guess I'm just done trying to force myself into a space I don't fit in, and probably never did. It's like I'm a size 8 shoe trying to fit inside a size 5. It just isn't right. I can't explain it, but this morning was like the rude salesman saying "uh, lady that shoe don't fit. Give it up." So maybe that's what you'll think I'm doing : giving it up. But I can assure you, I'm not. I realized this morning on my way home that I've tried so hard to fit in at Altamesa. Maybe I've not been as involved as other people in certain aspects....but I cannot help it that there is a cliquish nature to Altamesa, and I just didn't feel genuinely welcomed. Sure, there have been a few who don't mind trying to help me squeeze my size 8 into that size 5 that looks so attractive, but in the end all I've ended up with is corns. And I'm done hurting. As I said earlier, reach out if you will...if you feel called to do so. If you do not, then I understand and am not surprised.

Sadly, and in Christ's Love.
Courtney

Kaaria Mbaya, a tribute

I will be posting a tribute tomorrow about Kaaria Mbaya, 39, who died on Sept 11, 2001 during the WTC attacks. I have been enlightened, and touched by what I've read about him. I wonder if it would be weird if I contacted his mother to let her know that he has touched my life? I wouldn't know where to start.....but I'll be telling you what I've learned tomorrow night. Tune in then.....until that time........

Two Pics from Yesterday....and later I'll be posting some information about my 1 of 2,996

A Kiss from my brother....so sweet!


Someone adores their brother....and the feeling is mutual!!

I'm not popular.

I say things other people only think. I'm not afraid to be unique and different, but I am afraid to conform. I'm afraid to stick out, but I'm afraid not to be memorable. And I'm NOT afraid to say what I feel and what I'm thinking. So here goes : yet a few more HSOs that are going to make me even more unpopular.

1. BE THE SAME TO SOMEONE'S FACE AS YOU ARE BEHIND THEIR BACKS!!!! When I do not like you, trust me : you know it. Do me the same courtesy, please. And not just for me but do it for everyone.....there's not a whole lot worse than a fake person. I can't stand it, what's the point? Seriously. And this goes hand in hand with number 2 :

2. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMEONE TAKE IT TO THAT PERSON!!!! Don't jump over their heads and circumvent the problem, thereby creating more problems. My mother in law is dealing with some really stupid stuff right now that all could have been avoided if someone had merely done these two things. Have the guts to take your problems (in a loving manner, of course) to the person you have the problem with. If that doesn't work, THEN bring someone else into it. Don't skip out on that first step, all it does is create hard feelings.

I'm disappointed in my Church leadership right now, and I'm disappointed in whoever it was that did not have the courtesy to take their concerns to the source. Yeah, I'm venting in MY BLOG and I have every right to do that. When a Church is so large that they don't have the time or the ability (or is it the desire???) to care individually for each member.....what is it time for? A wake up call? Gee, I don't know. What I DO know is this : All that gossip ever gets anyone is a sore throat from talking so much. And speculation doesn't get you anywhere either. I guess I'm hoping that the person with the problem will take it to my mother in law, they've got the chance to do the right thing, and maybe they'll learn a lesson from this but I doubt it.

It's really too bad that things are this bad....because if we leave Altamesa I'll really miss Danny, Raymond, the Morgans, and Jennifer Moore. There are others, I'm sure, but can't list them all here. Disappointment hurts so much. And loving one another shouldn't be this hard.

Rainy Days With Zoe

She's not a water baby, but she apparently ADORES the rain!!!! :)

Kids