Here we are, and yet nobody seems to care. When you are sitting in a room with hundreds of other people, you expect to feel a little overwhelmed, sure. But you don't expect to feel as though you are invisible. You don't want to see the disapproving looks you're given because your eleven month old daughter just "won't be quiet." Nobody likes to hear the whispered "don't they have a nursery" comments, and even worse nobody likes to sit like a bump on a log while everybody around them that they know looks at them like they're not there. I don't like feeling bitter, and I don't like feeling as though I'm judged because of something they perceive someone I'm attached to did. I don't like the vibe I got today, and I didn't feel like I was at home. I felt as though my presence went unnoticed by some, and flat out ignored by others. Here's the catch : I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG...in fact, I didn't do anything at all. And, for the record, my mother in law did not "abandon" anyone or anyones children. She did what she felt she had no other choice but to do, and that is leave a place she felt did not appreciate her and did not feed her Spiritually. I went to Church today, with my daughter. I went with high hopes, and left embittered. Sure, some people spoke to me but it was the cursory "hey how are you" and walk away quickly because God forbid you stay to listen to someone when you ask that question. Oddly enough, I'm not angry. But I am sad. I guess I shouldn't be, because I've never actually felt like I belonged at Altamesa. I always felt like a sort of secondary cog -- I was there because of Michael. And that our "place" there consists of one thing : doing VBS. And even that was taken away from us for awhile. I like how people at Church can pretend really well, how they can be one way to your face yet a completely different way when your back is turned, or you are not present to defend or explain yourself. So ridiculous. It all goes back to my wishing folks would be genuine. I wish folks would express themselves honestly, and not hold things inside. I wish people would just stop and listen to themselves sometimes. I wish SOMEONE would have reached out to me this morning, anyone at all. I know there are some of you who are "glad" to see me gone. It is not to you that I am speaking, because there is no use. But to the rest of you, here it goes : if you want to reach out to me, please do. Call me. Email me. Leave me a comment with your name so I'll know who it is. But I won't be getting my hopes up. No, I'm not foolish enough to think anyone actually will. I'm disillusioned now, and that saddens me most of all. Church should not be a business. Church should be in the business. The business of saving souls, and reaching out. For a Church whose motto is "reaching up to God and out to people" I do not feel reached out to, and that hurts perhaps the worst of all.
Unless a miracle occurs, I do not see myself returning to the Altamesa church. To those of you I leave behind who might actually notice and care that I'm gone I say : let me know. In some way, let me know that it affected you that I can no longer see myelf at the church. I guess I'm just done trying to force myself into a space I don't fit in, and probably never did. It's like I'm a size 8 shoe trying to fit inside a size 5. It just isn't right. I can't explain it, but this morning was like the rude salesman saying "uh, lady that shoe don't fit. Give it up." So maybe that's what you'll think I'm doing : giving it up. But I can assure you, I'm not. I realized this morning on my way home that I've tried so hard to fit in at Altamesa. Maybe I've not been as involved as other people in certain aspects....but I cannot help it that there is a cliquish nature to Altamesa, and I just didn't feel genuinely welcomed. Sure, there have been a few who don't mind trying to help me squeeze my size 8 into that size 5 that looks so attractive, but in the end all I've ended up with is corns. And I'm done hurting. As I said earlier, reach out if you will...if you feel called to do so. If you do not, then I understand and am not surprised.
Sadly, and in Christ's Love.
Courtney
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21 comments:
Courtney,
I am SO sorry to read this, not because you are leaving Altamesa, but because this is one my biggest frustrations with the church-it should be one of the very last places people should get hurt...but unfortunately it is often the first.
I want to talk more about this with you, so please e-mail me, because I want you to know that someone cares-even if I am not there or do not see you often. I hope to hear from you soon and I will be praying for this situation. Love you! Blessings~
I've come across your blog randomly from someone else's. I understand how you are feeling. My husband and I also attended Altamesa. There are great people there, but we just had a hard time finding our "niche." We moved churches two times before finally being very happy at our third church. I also think it was 10 percent the churches and 90 percent us. We weren't as involved as we should have been, but it's hard to be involved when you're unhappy and feel like a number...right? I say to do what you need to do to meet YOUR spiritual needs. Everyone needs to be in a church family where they feel as if they are with thier "type" of people. We loved (and still love) the churches we left, but we just needed to move on to where we could find a group we blended well with. Good luck, and I'm sorry for your rough situation. It will get better!
Courtney,
I'm leaving a comment because my heart aches with you. Though I honestly have no idea what has happened, I have had the experience of wanting to leave. If you do leave, I hope that you go knowing that you did everything within your power to bring reconciliation to all the parties involved. We can never change what others think about us but we will live with our humility or the lack of it. Please consider staying and working it out.
Love,
Michele Hollar
I left a message but am not sure it was your phone. Can you call me at the office in the morning? I'll try you again...
Courtney,
I do not know you. I know who you are because you and Michael have been in the VBS musicals. I cannot speak directly to many of the frustrations you currently have. I can, as a father of two small kids, address your issue of "looks" in church.
When you have little ones, you tend to become more sensitized to comments. Sure, there are always some folks who are just snotty about kids in general. Those folks, you can't do anything about but love them in spite of their foibles. But, some folks just look because little kids draw attention like magnets draw iron filings. I remember some times when both of our kids were little that I was just sure everybody was giving us dirty looks when some of the same folks would come up later and tell us how great or cute our kids were. So, bear that in mind. As a matter of fact, today I complimented the behavior of a young mom's children and she was genuinely surprised.
I have also had times in my life where I just felt like I didn't belong. Sometimes, it was the specific subgroup (work, church or social) to whom I was trying to get close. There were times when I truly didn't fit in, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. In retrospect some of those groups really weren't worth being a part of. More often, it has been me. There have been times in my life where one aspect or another of my life had me too tired, angry, disinterested, etc. to truly make the effort to make friends. In recent years, as our lives have settled down, my wife and I have been able to better expend the effort to be friends to others. This has included actively seeking to participate, not just waiting to be asked. As an introvert, this has been particularly hard on me. I'd rather be "asked to dance," than do the asking myself. But, I've learned that fitting in is very much an active, rather than passive task.
I hope that you, Michael and your kids will stay and give Altamesa another chance. Perhaps you should seek a different subgroup within the church to befriend.
Michael Lea
Courtney-
Just want you to know you are loved. I am sorry i didn't see you yesterday. I haven't got to know you that well, but my wife thinks you are great. She enjoyed getting to know you at VBS.
You have a great story to tell and can connect with people that "are tired of church" like i like to say, it is time to stop playing church and start being church.
I think it is awesome the way you did some work with the Ticket. You have the ability to have a real connection with people who think church is a bunch of fake self righteous people. You have the ability to have real conversations with people about what God is doing in your life.
It is time for us all to take off the mask and admit we are all messed up.
Just want you to know you are loved.
Bobby
In order to feel love and involved you have to be involved. I do not know you or what you are or becoming, but it sounds as if you have some self issues that you need to work through. Feeling that everyone around you is saying this about you daughter and you setting in church well who cares what they think. You are there for one reason and that is to prasie and give glory to GOD and not the others around you. If they are that concerned about you and your 11 month old then maybe they should look for a new place to sit. Sounds like you stayed at a place just because your husband stayed there, but then it also seem that you are in nothing else but VBS which could just be you choice, but do not feel sorry for your self if you are not making the choice to become involved in other projects that your church has to offer. Seek some help...
Dear Anonymous,
I think you need to try and put a little love into your comments and if you are going to make such a comment why don't you put your name. This couple has some valid complaints and I think they are being wronged in more than one way. I hope that Christians will learn to go to their brother when they have a problem! It's in the Bible, if you have a problem with your brother or sister, GO to that brother or sister! The church needs to be a place where you can go to your brother or sister, it's not high school where you back stab them. I want to let ya'll know we are praying for you and your family. God Bless!
Can the church please have more people like Michael Lea, Bobby Moore and Steven McBroom!!!! Thanks for the kind words and for sticking up for us when these "Anonymous" people decide to run their mouths.
Michael
I left a message on your cell...
And I found something profound that you wrote back on August 5 in a post entitled "Disappointments and let downs."
Dealing with the disappointments, I suppose, proves to ourselves and to others what kind of person we are....
I agree.
We love you.
We are praying for your whole family. Courtney and Michael-you have a gift. I pray that you are able to find the right place for those gifts. I pray for your children that you are able to find a place for them to grow in God. Even if that place is not here with us, (even though I pray it can be). I love you guys, and will miss you terribly. You are vital part of VBS and it won't be the same without you. I love Kay and am heartbroken that she is gone, but I support her decision and I understand it.
Unfortunately, none of us are perfect--that's what grace is all about. Will church (or anything else for that matter) ever be perfect? Nope--humans are involved. But, there is always room for that awesome grace! I know I have used probably more then my fair share of it. Without God's gift of His Son---I would be nothing. We would all still be vagabonds--but vagabonds with no hope. We all have sins, everybody's is different. One (yes, I know I have more then one) of mine is I happen to have an issue with food (just incase you couldn't tell) I forget that the only comfort I really need is Him--not the cake. That if I would spend my time in prayer with God, filling my heart instead of my stomach, I would be MUCH better off! EEK--seeing it in print makes it even more real. We all say and do things we regret--everything from eating too much--to ones like not talking to the people we should. I pray you can find forgiveness, for everyone involved.
I love you & I am here if you need anything.
Jennifer
I have left the Anonymous comment and my name is Sara I live in the northeast, and after reading what others have posted it looks as if others people in Courtney church have guilt cause they did not talk to her or reach out and now that she is in her time of pain you are trying to be "true" sister in Christ which was not the purpose of Jesus dying for you on the cross. I know that he forgives sin but guilt will always be there. Courtney find a home that you love not one that you married into, find you passion in doing things year round and not just VBS. There are thousands and thousands of people who struggle everyday with young children and are wanting to have a strong walk with God or even know him and maybe that is the gift that you are given and just need to live it out. Do not let people around you feel as if you are a bad parent or a bad sister in Christ just because you have your child in service, cause then they are missing the point. Maybe your church should have a lesson on struggle parents and have all the children in church with as much noise as they can make people would walk out I'm sure but then they are missing the point that the kids are there as much as the adults and that is how they praise God, they are so new and fresh that I think that is how we all should give him glory.
To all other who have posted sorry if it ticked you off in any ways but take a look how many of you have been in her shoes, most of you are male responding with a few females and your jobs are in leading the church which is what you were taught as child to do. This is a family with a young child who I think half feels lost and displaced, and the other Well I not sure cause all I know is that his name is Michael. It may be to late to reach out to Courtney, so maybe on the next struggling Mom or even Dad you can be the first to reach out to them and help.
Sara Green
Ithaca
Let me help you out a bit Sara. My name is Michael and I am Courtney's husband.
I was raised by a single parent Mom, and I truly believe that Courtney is a human that should be allowed to speak her mind and make decisions for herself (when they do not impact the family as a whole) and not be ruled by me.
As much as you may think you are helping, you just don't KNOW what is going on. You are too far removed and therefore, I don't believe that you are qualified to speak on the issue. You have never attended Altamesa. You do not know mine or Courtney's history with the church. Nor do you know what level of involvement we have in the church. You also do not know how big a deal this is to us. I have been at this church for my entire life and Courtney has been a member for 10 years. You DO NOT understand the situation nor our lives. You DO NOT know us nor the people that are commenting to us. Please keep those things in mind the next time you decide to post on a blog for someone that is 1500 miles away.
Michael
I have been to Altamesa so for Michael I think that you are out of context. Although it has years and years since I have been a vistor to "your"church then and minister that are there now are not there any longer. I have a right to my on words, and would just like to see you wife get the help that I think from reading her past entries now needs. Her previous post say that she is in pain and no I not some laid out know it all. Read all her other post and comments. What is missing from her. She has a right to vent in her blog and I have a right to speak or write my comments so what if I am thousands of miles I could have been right next to her on Sunday and because I do not know her or even you it does not matter what matters most is that I think she is probably a great and loiving mom and wife to you but you are right I will never know her so if her feeling are hurt then maybe next time if she can not take comments then she should not post it on the web where it is public
Sara
I understand the frustration with anonymous posts, however I’m choosing to remain that way. Not because I want to say anything critical about anyone, but because I want people to consider these words without relating them to a source that is credible or not credible. At this point I’m not sure which type of source I am.
Until only recently, my family and I were members at Altamesa, so I am aware of many of the issues that you are dealing with. I admire your courage in addressing the issues head on. I pray that you will find your place in God’s kingdom here on earth, whether it is at Altamesa or somewhere else. This is only my opinion, but I think “Church”:
1. Should not be a source of stress in your life, but should be a place that helps you deal with the stress in your life.
2. Should be a place where you feel welcome and loved.
3. Should be a place where God’s agenda is working.
4. Should be a place where you are serving and being inspired all at the same time. Remember the story of Mary & Martha. Jesus did not want us to work all the time. He wanted us to spend time with Him in addition to serving others.
5. Should be a place where people are not perfect, but are forgiven by Jesus and other Christians. Scripture tells us to “Bear with one another.”
6. And last but not lease, doing “Church” should not be elevated in importance over the Lord Himself. God is many places on Sunday morning, and throughout the week. Seek Him, and He’ll come to you regardless of the building you are in.
The decision to stay at or leave a church is one that’s extremely personal. I know that the people at Altamesa must mean a lot to you, given that they’ve been a part of your life for so long. You guys are in my prayers.
To the last Anonymous post, thank you for explaining why you don't sign you posts. Also, thank you for your kind words and very well thought out post. Your points are well taken.
Sara,
I don't want to turn my wife's true feelings and desires that she allows people to read to be turned into a forum for bitter words between us, but if you ask people who KNOW me, I am not one to hold my tongue.
Please, please stop posting on this blog. Your comments are not well thought out, nor are they even well typed.
"Our" church has changed over the years. So to say that by "visiting" Altamesa many years ago is like saying "I once visited Montana, so I should be allowed to vote". Read the TITLE of the post: An open letter to the church. Now as the last Anonymous person put, church is not a building. But in this case, we are talking about the people at this church and the way MY family has been treated--something of which you know NOTHING about.
Please discontinue posting on this blog, as your comments are starting to tick us off. Leave this a forum for people who want to help...and who know how to spell, or at least run spell-check.
Michael
Let me say this also: Thank you to those that are expressing love for my family and are extending prayers and kind words. And let me steal something from Preston Morgan:
I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!
Michael
I LOVE MY HUSBAND!! And I fully plan on addressing ALL comments in a blog later today, right now however I am trying to find out where my 9/11 tribute is....I posted it two days ago with a post date of 9/11 and it's nowhere to be found :(
Courtney,
Sometimes writing in a blog is like writing an email - it is a lousy way to communicate and convey feelings. Please know that none of the following from me is written with any malice. I will probably not say things in the best way because I just often can't find the right words to get my point across, but I will try to do my best. In no way do I mean to trivialize your feelings.
You and I had a few minutes to talk on Sunday morning in the hallway, so I'm not going to lay out some grand explanation of how I feel about all of this, since you and I already discussed it briefly. I mentioned to you that I didn't know all the details of what had happened, so I didn't feel qualified to draw any conclusions - other than to say I just want you to know that I am sorry that you are sad.
I've been a member at Altamesa (and Trail Lake before that) for my entire life - 43 whole years (not that this makes me an expert on anything). My roots are very deep with this congregation of believers. Many times, I have been let down by different things or people at Altamesa, but my roots are so deep, I've never been compelled to leave this family. (1994-5 was a "stinky time" at Altamesa...but we survived it all!) Like someone else said, our church, just like every other church, is full of a bunch of imperfect people that make mistakes every day of their life. I am certainly a prime example of that. When we put our faith in people too much, we will always, eventually, get burned. It might be a scorching burn or just a little singe-ing (I can't spell either). I don't mean that to sound as negative as it seems to sound - but that's just the way it is. There is only ONE who will never let us down.
As I told you on Sunday, I hope you don't leave Altamesa. I hope you can find a way to forgive your church family for the things you felt have been done wrong to you and your family. Although others may not feel they have done anything wrong, you need to remember that forgiveness is a gift you are giving to yourself - not to them. If reconciling all that in your heart isn't something you are able to do, I hope that you and Michael and your kids can find a church home where you feel good, can worship together as a family, can serve in a ministry, and be fed spiritually. If I was feeling like Altamesa wasn't the right place for my family, I hope that, for the sake of my son mostly, that Kelly and I would go find a place where we could serve and be served. Being part of a congregation of believers is such a critical thing to me in my spiritual walk and I feel like my obligation to serve others is bigger than my right to be served. It is in those ministries that we serve in, where we meet others with similar interests and develop relationships with other Christians. You and Michael serve our Lord in such a mighty way during the VBS time each year. What a wonderful way you are using your gifts to His glory. What I would like to encourage both of you to do, whether at Altamesa or another church, is to find a way to continue to use those God-given gifts to serve at a congregation throughout the year. Please understand I am not trying to lecture you about service...I just think you have a lot to give and I think there are so many ways that your love for drama and children and nursing and other things could be used throughout the year. I think you will find that a year-round ministry (I know your life is hectic right now - but hopefully you know what I mean) will feed you spiritually, get you connected with people with similar intersts, thereby feeling more connected with a church family as a whole. OH man...I'm really rambling here. Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness I've got going...I think I need to wrap it up and I guess I did end up laying out a whole long explanation. Being long-winded is one of my many God-given gifts!!!
So...here's my best advice - not that you asked for it...
#1 - Hang in there and keep your chin up. Take one day at a time. (Just call me Cliche Girl.)
#2 - Know that people love you and care about your well-being and feel badly that you feel so badly, and sometimes don't know what to say or do to help.
#3 - Figure out what is best for your family and do it!
#4 - As you are able, use your gifts to bless others and remember that we are called to serve others.
#5 - Realize that you may have to do a few things out of your comfort zone to find a group you can identify with. I recall your writing about a retreat you went on with the young families and what a great time you two had. Even if it seems a bit awkward, I wish you could find a way to connect with those retreat people. They are in the same boat you are in struggling to raise their family in a crazy world.
#6 - Forgive me for a haphazard email and for anything that seemed to come across bossy or like I have my act together.
#7 - Tell Daniel that "Lake" says "hi"!
Love, Joanie
Allow me to add my two cents to something that is none of my business and I know nothing about. Start your own church. You've always wanted to change the world. Here's your chance.
If you are still checking comments made, I hope you see this. Check your email. I'm sending you an email tonight.
Valisa
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