I feel empty inside. I always feel this way after Christmas. I got in my car today for the first time with the radio on....KVIL and KLTY aren't playing Christmas music anymore. It made me sad. I don't know what it is about Christmas music that makes me happy. You can't be upset while listening to it, it doesn't encourage road rage, and the words aren't difficult to understand. Plus, they all have meanings. I like music like that. It was surprising not to hear it.
The toys have been opened. They're strewn about on our living room floor. I look around bewildered, because he has so many new toys. I can't get rid of any of the old ones, though because Zoe's gotta grow into them. Next year, though, we'll have to give some to people who need them.
The food is sort of gone. We have ham and sausage balls left. I miss the food. Mostly I miss the togetherness that comes from family on Holidays.
I miss my Papa. I always get so sad this time of year, because he and I were the biggest Christmas fans you'll ever find. And now my Christmas buddy is gone. I could always count on Papa to ignore all presents after the first one that had an owner's manual with it. Didn't matter whose toy it was, if it was electronic and had a manual with it, Papa wanted to see it. And the manual. He'd read the manual cover-to-cover before attempting to assemble whatever the thing was. He'd have had a blast this year with Daniel's toys. Seems like everything takes batteries, and/or requires adult assembly. I look at my kids and I weep, because there are so many special people in our families that they will not get to meet. It's difficult to understand how our loved ones can be taken from us, and at Christmas it's especially hard to be thankful they're in Heaven and not here with us. When Zoe was born, I went through the pain all over again. My Papa, who raised me as his own, would have loved my children. He would have treated them like he treated me. He would have taken them hunting (not necessarily to hunt anything, but just to spend time with him), he would have taught them about how Ford is better than Chevy, he would have taken them to the gun range, he would have told them stories, he would have taken them on vacation (always driving, never flying), we would have gotten to go back to South Dakota to see if the Crazy Horse monument is completed yet, he would have shown them off to his buddies. These are things my kids will miss out on, because Papa isn't here. I don't really blame anyone, it's nobody's fault. But that doesn't make it any easier.
And I feel badly for my Memaw. As difficult as it is for me and the rest of our family, it's a million times harder for her. I cannot even begin to speculate on what she goes through. I learn so much about Grace from her. I learn how to be a mom, I learn how to care, how to love, and how to take care of my family. I also learn how to be a woman. She's such an inspiration and I ache when I think about what a disappointment I can be. I guess that's why I'm so excited about nursing....it means I will finally be something she can be proud of me for. I guess that's what my whole life has been about up til now : making my family proud of me. I want to be the kind of person who makes a difference in peoples' lives. I want my family to respect me, to be proud of me, and I want to help other families.
Christmas is my favorite Holiday. Next year, I swear to do more to alleviate the post Christmas blues. They just snuck up on me this year.
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Courtney, I can relate to your sadness and emptiness in the area of lost loved ones. I lost my Dad when I was 25 years old. We spent many sad Christmases after that missing him, but then we just kept getting better and better as we remembered him. Then, just as you said you felt with Zoe's birth, when we got Blake, it was (and still is) so hard not to be so sad about all the things that won't ever happen with him and his granddad. I can tell you, though, that there are many ways we celebrate my dad now. On his birthday, Mom always goes out to dinner with us and we always eat Mexican food "in his honor!" We do the same on their wedding anniversary and most of those sad times have been turned into really good times now. I know that my mom still longs for him at times, but she's a strong woman just like Laverne is. They both know that their husbands are in a good place and they will join them there someday...and after so many years of marriage, that certainly must be a good feeling. We've got big responsibilites as moms to make sure our children "know" our dads/Papa's by telling them so many wonderful stories. Blake talks about "Granddaddy" living in Heaven with God and he looks at Granddaddy's picture and says he loves him....which seems to me like we are off to a good start. I pray that your pain is eased quickly and that as time passes by, you will have a wonderful time celebrating your Papa's life as you tell your children so many great stories.
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