One of those days

Here I sit, thinking about studying. I really need to study, for you see I have two exams tomorrow and one on Tuesday. But what I am doing instead is procrastinating. Yeah, that's right....I'm putting off for later what I should be doing right now. It's quiet here, something that never happens....both kiddos are sleeping. All I want to do is curl up in the bed and nap. But I have so much staring me in the face, stuff that NEEDS to be done. For example : studying. I really NEED to study, because I NEED the A. I NEED to clean toilets. I NEED to change the sheets on our bed (which, by the way I WILL do tonight because they're gross....change them once a week at least, people!!). And then there's the matter of VBS. I'm supposed to be off-book tomorrow night. I'm not. Not even close. But I will be tomorrow night (so don't worry, jennifer!!).

But all of that is beside the point. The reason I'm doing this instead of studying is simple : I have something I need to get off my chest. It's a catharsis, of sorts. So here goes :

I'm about to make a confession. To those of you who know me well, or have known me for a long time I don't think it'll be a shock. Who knows, those of you who haven't known me long may not even be surprised to learn it. I'm a jealous person. I'm co-dependent (but not in an unhealthy way...I don't think). I'm over-protective, both as a mom and as a wife. I'm innately trusting, but break it once and I have a really hard time giving it back to you. So here is why I'm writing. I know my husband is attractive. OBVIOUSLY or I wouldn't have wanted to date him in the first place. And he's only gotten better with age. And since he's become so obsessed with working out, he's got muscles. Those tend to drive the gals wild. But here goes : I cannot STAND it when other women look at my husband, when they talk to my husband, when they (GOD FORBID) touch my husband I want to punch them. WHY? Why am I so jealous? Why do I allow myself to feel threatened? Because it really is just me, it has nothing to do with Michael. He's nothing but faithful to me. He makes me feel like the most beautiful person on the face of the planet, and he does a really bang up job of making me feel sexy, even now. But it drives me absolutely insane when he goes out with friends who happen to be girls. I can't even stand the thought. But I think I figured out why : because I don't get to spend the amount of time I want to with him, I'm insanely jealous that he'd spend any time with anyone other than me, especially another girl. I know this post isn't a surprise to him, we've talked about it in great detail before. I just don't know how to control it. I don't know how to control my jealousy, my insecurities, and my feelings of impending doom. Maybe it's my fear of abandonment? Maybe it's just as simple as I don't think it's appropriate for folks who are married to hang out alone with friends of the opposite sex? I don't know. But whatever it is drives me up the wall. I go all crazy, and I'm a raging ball of brown fur when he's out with any friend who happens to be a girl. Anybody got some advice? Been there?? ARE there?? Anything?? OR is this completely normal, and I'm not a nutball at all? Because I need to know.......either way. Let me have it, I can handle the truth.....I think.

And have you ever noticed how when you finally tell someone how you feel they clam up? When you tell someone that something they have been doing has been making you feel awful, it's all of a sudden your fault? And they refuse to speak to you? OR worse, they pretend like it doesn't bother them? I hate that. If I tell someone how I feel, it's because I want them to KNOW and I in turn want to know how they feel. DUH, or I wouldn't do it!! Right?? Gee, I don't know....maybe I should borrow a book from someone else's page and bottle it all up, keep it to myself until one day I juse explode with rage, and it all comes out in a single fell swoop? No thank you. And don't fault me for being honest. Don't fault me for being the same to your face as I am behind your back. I'm a genuine person. If I don't like the things you do in your life, I'm going to tell you. It's just in my nature. I am not good at hiding when there's a problem. Just ask anybody!!

By the way, Zoe is 8 months old today!!