Looking back on the last ten years of my life, I'd have to say that I'm not where I thought I'd be. But where I am is a darn good place to be. Sure, life has it's ups and downs...we've got our share of problems (sometimes MORE than just OUR share), but life seems like it's headed in a direction it always needed to go...just took some time to get there!!
I want to share some stuff that's been on my heart for awhile, and I'm hoping you'll listen. But if you don't it's no big deal, it's more of a catharsis for me than anything....
I am sort of sad lately. Don't really know why, but I am. I feel like I walk around with my head in a sad cloud, and I don't know how to get out of it. Maybe it's because Michael is also depressed, or so it seems....things just seem really unhappy at our humble abode and I hate it.
Or maybe it's because I'm having to work so much I miss seeing my kids sometimes five days a week. I work twelve hour shifts, you know, so when I work I leave before they are up and I'm home after they're asleep. It's really hard on me.
I have discovered that my family adores Yo Gabba Gabba. It's the highlight of their morning!! Zoe calls it "Abba Gabba," Daniel calls it "Yo dabba dabba." And I've got "Eat yeaaah yummy yummy gonna eat yeahhh in my tummy...." in my head. It's really a very good childrens show.
And I feel guilty. I have a horrible pit of guilt right in the midst of my tummy. Over everything I've just posted and more. I guess what I'm saying is I feel guilty for wishing I wasn't having to work so much, I feel guilty for missing out on my children, and I feel guilty for being so useless sometimes.
Thanks for reading my pity party
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4 comments:
I have totally felt this way about working and children. I know its frustrating and very hard.
courtney,
i'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you are depressed.
please, please go see a doctor about this.
your babies need a happy, healthy mommy, so do it for their sakes.
and remember you still have lots of people at altamesa that care about you.
i am one of them,
karen barker
Courtney,
Know that there are so many of us who have been in exactly your same shoes.
Guilt can sometimes (not always) be satan's way to control your life--don't give him the power.
Like Karen said, there are alot of us who care very much about you and your family, count me in that line that Karen started! --(For some weird reason, all I can think of is the Scrubs episode where JD and the patient keep hollaring back at each other "Hey #2"). If you need anything, know that I'm here.
Jen G
I'm with KB and Jen. Preston and I love both you and Michael very much and know how hard it is to maintain a marriage, work like crazy and still be good parents when we're dog-tired. Hang in there, but don't go it alone.
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