"Elmo Sauce All The Time!"

My picky little eater.....his favorite thing to eat is "Elmo Sauce" (aka applesauce). Now it's just about the only thing we can get in his tummy on a consistent basis. I'm not worried. He'll eat when he's good and ready, right??? Well....really and truly I'm not that concerned though he is becoming more difficult to feed. I think he's just flexing his independent muscles. He'll learn soon enough that what is offered is all there is....and he'll eat it, even if he doesn't like it! But in the meantime, things could be worse, I suppose.....

Pirates of The Caribbean : Dead Man's Chest

Michael and I went to see this movie last night. In a word? Awesome. Let's start with the double entendre of the movie's title itself. Dead Man's Chest....when you see the movie you'll understand the brilliancy of this title. Great.

For the movie itself?? Incredible. Cinematography is great, the fight scenes were good....I'll let Michael comment on those, he's better qualified than I am. Suffice it to say for now that I thought they were great!! People who had a problem with Johnny Depp....PUH-LEEEZE!! He's great. He's funny, charismatic, and different. So he's a little popsy, who cares? So he sashays when he walks, who cares? So he looks like a death metal rocker, who cares? Not me!! The fact that he makes no bones about his inspiration is good. But people treat that like it's some sort of a crime, like he isn't coming right out and saying that yeah, Keith Richards is his inspiration for Captain Jack Sparrow! It's not like he's hiding that fact. Leave him alone, OK? He's funny!!

Legolas (I don't know his real name), aka Will Turner is cute. I don't mean his looks, but his character. You feel for him, he's so brave. But really it's Keira Knightly who's the true brave soul. Their relationship is nice, but you hope for more. That's all I'll say on that one.

The movie is gory. Not like blood and guts gory, but it's kind of graphic. Davy Jones is disgustingly creepily awesome looking. His undead crewmen are REALLY graphic. The shark-headed guy is weirdly appealing. Not sure why.....

This movie DEFINITELY deserves it's PG-13 rating, and I'd even say a STRONG PG-13. This movie is NOT for kiddos younger than 13. And PLEASE don't take your really little ones to this movie, you'll just give them nightmares!!

The Kracken is cool. The Flying Dutchman is cool. Don't expect the movie to wind up its storyline! I looked at the clock at 9:15 and wondered how in the heck they were going to wrap it up in fifteen minutes. But they didn't. It's ready for the sequel. And so am I!! Bring it ON!!! I can't wait.....all in all a really, really, really good movie. A+

You Could Be Happy......

There is a band that I currently am in love with. They are called Snow Patrol, and they rock quite honestly. They have a song called "Happy" and I LOVE this song for a number of reasons. I like the unique musical undertones it has, with a tinkling sound at the beginning like a music box or something. It's nice. Check it out. The whole album's greatness.

Now, onto the reason for this blog in the first place :

I heard a song on XM this morning at 5:30 when I was driving into work....it's Jars of Clay's version of "I'll Fly Away." It was awesome.....it made me feel uplifted in a way that song hasn't been able to in a long, long time. When a song is used in a loved one's funeral, I tend to associate all kinds of unhappy connotations to it. It just so happens that particular song was sung at my Papa's funeral. Needless to say, I have not been able to make it through it since then. This morning, I was comforted. I sang along. I didn't even cry!! I'm so proud of myself, I think I'll buy it on itunes tonight!!

Michael and I are going to check out Pirates of The Caribbean : Dead Man's Chest tonight. Look for a review tomorrow!!

I guess I'm pooping....

Strange title, I know. But it's come down to this : my milk is drying up and pumping has become more painful than productive. If only it were as simple as breastfeeding more, but (un)fortunately Zoe doesn't wake up until well after I'm gone in the mornings, and it doesn't make any sense for me to wake her up before I leave because I run the risk of her not going back to sleep and being cranky. Then I leave a cranky baby with a husband who is just as cranky because she's cranky. No thank you. The problem with nursing her when I get home in the evenings is this : she won't do it. And if she does it's only on one side and only for about five minutes. I've tried. BELIEVE ME....and what I've realized is this : if all I'm doing is mourning what I'm losing, then I'm not taking the time to enjoy what I've got. And what I've got is a beautiful, healthy, happy little girl whom I was Blessed (and lucky enough) to have breastfed for nearly 10 months. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm coming to terms to having to stop nursing. The obvious truth is : I haven't actually breastfed her (as in she's nursed directly) in over a week and a half. I've been pumping and allowing her to have it in the bottle. And obviously without actual stimulation, my milk is going bye bye.

My problem now lies is this : I'm never going to get to nurse another baby. Michael and I have decided that we're done having babies. So perhaps the reason I've fought giving up so hard is because I know that I'll never have the chance to do it again. I've come to grips with feeding her formula, I'm OK with that now. And I realized that if she's OK with not breastfeeding anymore, then I should be too. But mourning the fact that I'm never having another baby is a different story altogether. And that prospect is so sad. It's going to take a whole lot longer to accept than did the decision to stop breastfeeding.

I'd appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers, because it's a really difficult and stressful time right now.

Something REAL

Everybody spends their lives searching for something real, myself included. Nothing we have is really ever good enough for us, so we're constantly searching for something more. I suppose that's because when we're finally content with what we have, we're afraid something better just MIGHT come along, and if we become complacent where we are, we might miss an opportunity. I don't know if that's a fact or not, it's just a theory I'm tossing out there.
Take me for instance, I spent the better part of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or waiting for something better to come along. Right around the corner, I just knew, something better was waiting. All I had to do was run full speed towards the unseen better thing. Occasionally I would find something and, thinking it to be somehow "better" I'd embrace it. Other times I'd run smack into a brick wall and knock myself silly. For whatever reason I'd always get back up and continue in that same direction. Why?? Not sure, really. Probably something to do with my hormonal imbalance?? Gee, I don't know.

Take turning 16, for instance. When you're the youngest person in your class turning 16 seems like such a badge of honor....you're the last one to drive, all your friends are driving now, and you're not. You still have to rely on everyone else to cart you around...YOU want to drive fast down Bryant Irvin road like Julie Goodwin does. But you can't. Because you're only 15. So you hope and you cross your fingers and you beg the year to fly by so you can turn 16 and get that precious piece of plastic or paper or whatever the heck it is. All the time not realizing that roughly ten years later you'll be praying just as hard that the year will slow down, that the days will drift lazily by because each day that flies by is one less day you have to spend with your precious family and children. But no matter how much you pray, how much you beg, time always goes slower when you're 15 about to turn 16 than when you're 26 about to turn 27, and all you want in the whole world is every second you can spend with your precious family to drift like a cobweb on a spring breeze.

OK, seriously though....THAT, my friends is as real as it gets. Family. So make the most of each day that you have, be happy with what you have and if you're not happy, then make strides to change it!! Don't settle. Don't think that what you've got is all you'll ever have. Just realize that each day is a gift from GOD, and today is all we know that we have. Give a hug. Give a kiss. Give someone a flower that you picked just for them. And for goodness' sake, take time out of each day just to appreciate the things around you that are REAL. I promise you, things you once took for granted will make you smile from head to toe when you think about them that way!!

Hope you have a Blessed Day.....

Complete and Utter Sadness....

If you have never breastfed a baby, disregard this post. For those of you who read my blog and have breastfed, you know what I'm about to say. Two things : first, Daniel is almost 2 and a half. He stopped nursing at 14 months, because I was pregnant with Zoe and it was causing me to leach calcium from my bones to supply the milk...not good mum, not good. He's HUGE...39 inches tall, and growing every day. When I hold him, I realize just how big he's getting and it makes me cry. He's no longer my precious baby boy who said and did such adorable things. He is becoming a big boy! And it breaks my heart. Now we zoom in on Zoe : she's 9 months, almost 9.5, and she is trying to stop breastfeeding. I CAN'T STAND IT, I spend nights crying about it. I still pump twice a day, but it's just not the same and I wonder "why bother," because she's getting adequate nutrition from formula. Now don't get all uptight, I think formula is great for some folks, but I never thought it was for MY kids. I wanted, no I NEEDED, to go to a year with Zoe. But here we are, staring almost 10 months in the face and we're going to have to stop. It hurts so badly that at times I cannot breathe. I feel like a failure, I feel as though I'm letting my baby girl down, and I'm giving up and giving in. She deserves better she deserves me to fight...but how much harder can I fight??? I'm doing everything I know to do, and yet I can't keep up with her. And I'm tired of fighting, it takes so much energy that I have none left to do anything else. It's coming down to poop or get off the pot on this, because we have to make some adjustments and decisions. ANY suggestions would help....any "been there, done that" stories to share?? Anybody got secrets other than Fenugreek, Mother's Milk Tea, and Blessed thistle?? I'm listening!!!!

These songs have spoken to me...I hope they speak to you

"Who Am I" by Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Chorus:

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

"Voice of Truth" also by Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes

To climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone

Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name

And they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again.

"Boy, you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

Chorus:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"

The voice of truth says,

"This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant

With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors

Shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name

And he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again.

"Boy you'll never win!"

"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size

To put the giant on the ground

And the waves they don't seem so high

From on top of them lookin' down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

"Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)" Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner

Lost and left to die

O, raise your head, for love is passing by

Come to Jesus

Come to Jesus

Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted

And carried far away

And precious blood has washed away the stain,

So Sing to Jesus

Sing to Jesus

Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby

Don't be afraid to crawl

And remember when you walk

Sometimes we fall...

So Fall on Jesus

Fall on Jesus

Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely

And steep and filled with pain

So if your sky is dark and pours the rain,

Then Cry to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over

And music fills the night

And when you can't contain your joy inside,

Then Dance for Jesus

Dance for Jesus

Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat

Kiss the world goodbye

Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side,

And Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus and live!

Childish Dreams and Mature Searchings

When I was a little kid I wanted to be a marine biologist. More than anything in the world, I wanted to someday work with marine mammals. I thought that it would be the coolest job in the world, because I could work at Sea World, or some place like that. Or perhaps I could spend eight months of the year on a boat in the middle of the ocean. All of this was appealing to me because I thought this was my callilng. But as I looked into it more, I realized that I could never have a family if I chased that dream. So, I dropped it. I still in my heart have a passion for marine life, and love to study their behaviors. I guess it's a hobby of mine.

Now I'm chasing my other passion : Medicine. I'm achieving a dream of another sorts. I'm finally doing something about my ambitions. I'm finally doing something to make my family proud of me, and something that makes me feel good at the same time. I've searched for so long that it's difficult to accept that my searching is finally over. Realizing that you no longer have to search and settle, is comforting on so many different levels. You feel a sense of relief, but you also feel trepidation...what will the future bring, now? Only time will tell....but all I know is : it feels pretty good right now.

Long days, even shorter nights

Zoe started crawling Sunday!! She can't move very quickly or very far, but she's moving back and forth from her knees to her bottom and moving along the floor a little bit. I miss her.

Daniel has become very defiant. Not sure why, but it's getting old. I wish he would stop. Even at that, I miss him and my heart aches being away from him.

Michael is a fabulous daddy. He takes such great care of the kids, I hardly even have to remind him of things to do for them. I'm proud of him. I miss him.

I look forward to clinical rotations on Wed-Fri at Harris Downtown. It's WONDERFUL!! I only wish I didn't have to be away from my family during the days. I need to be with them, because it is what recharges me. I miss them all (yes, Michael too....) so much when I'm away. Classes are going well, and I'm enjoying this level. I only wish I could do it from home.

Lonesome Dove was awesome.

Tonight....I celebrate my love for you!

My fabulous, wonderful, sexy, dreamy, loving husband turned 31 last night. We had a good birthday celebration, it was pretty old school....we went to his Mom's house and had home made mexican food with Barry & Vivian and Bebe. Tonight I am taking Michael to a restaraunt called "The Lonesome Dove Western Bistro" in the Stockyards. I've heard nothing but good things about them, and I've been saving money for just such an occasion. I'll let you know how it goes!!

The Greatest Love Of All

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. At least according to Whitney Houston. But what does she know? She's a coked up, strung out ball of uselessness. In my opinion, the greatest love of all is the love God has for us. And He shares that love with us and allows us to love another human being more than we ever thought possible. And He shares with us the ability to love each other unconditionally. But it's not exactly what we do. Instead of loving each other without question, we put limits on it. Or we say "I could love you more if..." or "you don't love me as much as..." and sometimes "someone else could love you/me more..." Instead of not putting limitations on our love for each other, we have to categorize it somehow. WHY? Why can we not just love one another without wavering, without ceasing, and without questioning? I'm trying that right now. I'm trying it with the people who I care about most in this world. And I'm opening myself up to the possibility of being very, very hurt. But guess what, it's already been worth it. And I've promised myself that if I get hurt, not to let it stop me from loving unconditionally ever again. I'm trying to learn to give of myself completely, to allow people to know me...at least the people who want to know me. And I'm trying to learn to love without ceasing, to love without question, and to love without limitations or qualifications. I'll let you know how it goes.

Nursing School Part Two

Today was the first day of level 3...this puts me at a Junior Level Nursing student. Wow. That sounds so official. I can't believe it. But it's true. And I cannot begin to tell you how much I DREADED going today. After two weeks away from all the High School-type drama, I was in NO MOOD to return. But I made a promise to myself and to my children. I WILL graduate, I WILL get my license, and NOBODY is going to stand in my way, especially not "adults" who cannot seem to act their age.

All of that aside, I missed my family today. Probably more than I ever thought would be possible. After sharing such an amazing Spiritual weekend with my husband, and the last two weeks HOME with my children, I realized just exactly what I'm sacrificing by being gone every day. And it stung. And I'm hurting deeply because of it. Pursuing my dream at the expense of another is just not all it's cracked up to be. I feel as though I have somehow abandoned my family (temporarily) while I seek to improve our lives. Have I? Perhaps. Some would say that my place should be always in my home with my children and that I have no right to want to work. But guess what, I DO want to work....I'd MUCH RATHER stay home with my kids all day long, and enjoy my husband in the summers when he's off. But that is a pipe dream for us. Unfortunately they just don't pay teachers what they're worth! Until that day comes, I'm going to have to work. Why not have a career that affords me the ability to feel proud of myself instead of a mindless job? My children deserve to be proud of their mom. And I deserve to have a career that makes my husband proud, too. The fact that I can have some pretty decent money making opportunities doesn't hurt either! :)

So I'll pull myself up by my bootstraps and I'll finish school, because I'm just a few months away from Graduation, and having that license in my hot little hands! :)

Up on the mountain

Spending the weekend with a bunch of Christian couples is amazing. There really are no other words to descirbe it. We had a Spiritual experience last night unlike any other. Michael and I went on a Young Marrieds Retreat at Possum Kingdom lake this weekend. It was fabulous! Yesterday we spent a few hours out on the lake...I tried water skiing for the first time (was NOT any good at it!!), and tubed...tubing was great fun! I rode all the way back on my bottom, and today it's very sore. Perhaps not the best idea ever....but it was fun.

Michael and I had a chance to reconnect, and last night we went to the mountaintop together. We experienced GOD together, we cried, we prayed, we rested. There were 6 stations set up in the lake house for us to experience. And experience them we did. When you come this close to God together you re-realize why He put you together. But now I'm depressed beyond belief. Because tomorrow I have to go back to school, and instead of spending time with people who care about me and love me I have to spend the time around folks who cannot seem to grow up. I am giving up experiencing my daughter's infancy, and for what? So people can try to stomp on me? No thank you. I'm chasing my dream, WITH the support of my family, and I WILL reach the finish line...nobody is going to stop me. I realized that again this weekend : anything with God is possible, even if it seems impossible.

And Michael loves me unconditionally.....in so many ways our love for one another mirrors God's love for us, and you know what? I really REALLY understood that last night. And of course, still understand it today.

So I'm sitting here crying because the last thing I want to do is leave my family tomorrow to go back to school. But I know that in the long run it's what's best for everyone involved.

A special thank you to Aaron and Valisa for insisting that we come this weekend. God placed y'all in our lives for a very specific purpose. Thank you for fulfilling that purpose so fully. We love you guys.

Oh yeah, we even saw lots of deer at the lake house...we saw six last night in the front yard. It was awesome.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation....

I've had nearly two full weeks off from Nursing School. I have enjoyed every cotton pickin' minute of it! Last week was taken up with VBS...worth it, yes, but exhausting. This week has been all about old fasioned family time! Monday was a cleaning day...not a lot of fun, but it had to be done. Tuesday Michael and I took the kiddos to the Zoo (See the post "Happy *WET* Fourth of July"). Today we had the most fun I have had in a long, long time. We took the children to Fossil Rim Wildlife Preserve. It was incredibly fun, and it made me smile all day long. BOTH kids had incredibly funny reactions to the animals. We drove through the park at 5 miles an hour with the kids on our laps. Daniel had a blast!! "More animals," he kept saying. I loved the fact that they weren't shy...the animals came right up to the car and we threw the feed out onto the ground so they could eat it up. Once I get the pictures posted in an online album I'll post a link.

We had so much fun on our safari!! YAY! We can't wait to do the guided tour next time...

This zebra sat here for a while, just waiting for me to snap his picture. I love the look on his face!! Priceless...the zebras are so beautiful!! (I think this is a Grant's Zebra, but we'll figure it out later...still waiting for the link!)

On Friday afternoon Michael and I will be heading to Possum Kingdom Lake for a young marrieds retreat. We're really looking forward to it, but we're mixed about it....because we've never been away from the kids overnight! And we'll be gone TWO nights!! EEK! But all will be well in kiddo land...their grandmother is staying here with them while we're gone. Hopefully all will go well, and the retreat will be good for me and my husband. We need to reconnect!! I'll post some pictures of that when we get back. But for now, it's another cleaning day...while the kids are happy and quiet I need to finish cleaning the living room so I can do the master bathroom while they're down for their naps!!

"Fireworks all the time"

I took Daniel to see the Fireworks in Burleson to celebrate the 4th. He LOVED them!! He asked for "more" and was not ready to go home....even though we sat there for an hour and a half waiting for the show to start! Here are some photos! Enjoy! :)

Happy *WET* Fourth of July!!

We went to the Zoo today!! It was so much fun, for some reason the Zoo is always better with Daddy there...not sure why! But we picked a good day to go!! While we were watching the lions, one of the babies decided to climb down the embankment. We got a great picture of one of the babies just chilling in the shade...

When we got there it was sweltering, and I made the comment, "I sure could use a good downpour right about now." There was not a cloud in the sky. About 30 minutes later I noticed gathering rain clouds and by the time we hit the Twister House in Texas Wild! it had begun to rain. Just call me Starbuck.

The swift fox was hiding from the rain drops...

The white tail deer were frolicking about lapping up the rain and head butting the turkeys....

The alligator was just sitting there....

The mountain lion was nervously pacing, and licking its chops as it eyed a 4 year old nearby....

Zoo Too

The river otters were going nuts...




And the jaguar was hiding from us....


The best part of all was being in the rain with mommy!


Zoe had a blast kicking the raindrops, and she went from horrendously sleepy and cranky to funny and laughing all the way home!! She cracked me up, because she didn't want to be covered up -- she wanted to kick the raindrops!! What a funny kiddo!

The World Doesn't Need A Saviour...

Upon watching the new Superman movie, we are left wondering about the Religous undertones. Though in this movie, I'd tend to stae they are more Religious overtones in this particular man of steel installment. The most poignant of these being while he and Lois are "discussing" whether or not the world needs a saviour. Lois says, "The world doesn't need a saviour." To which Superman replies, "then why do I hear them calling out for one every day?" OR something similar to that.

Which leaves us to wonder : why do people sometimes insist that the world is not in need of a saviour? When we clearly ARE??

Or how about "The Father becomes the Son and the Son becomes the Father?" I never really understood the Relgious tones during the first Superman installments, perhaps because I was too young. But my hope is that the folks who need to hear it hear it. Perhaps the director didn't intend the Religiosity (is that a word? well it is now!) to be so in your face, but to me it was. If you've seen the film, do you agree?? I applaud them, hoping that things were intentional. Great. Just Great.