I guess I'm pooping....

Strange title, I know. But it's come down to this : my milk is drying up and pumping has become more painful than productive. If only it were as simple as breastfeeding more, but (un)fortunately Zoe doesn't wake up until well after I'm gone in the mornings, and it doesn't make any sense for me to wake her up before I leave because I run the risk of her not going back to sleep and being cranky. Then I leave a cranky baby with a husband who is just as cranky because she's cranky. No thank you. The problem with nursing her when I get home in the evenings is this : she won't do it. And if she does it's only on one side and only for about five minutes. I've tried. BELIEVE ME....and what I've realized is this : if all I'm doing is mourning what I'm losing, then I'm not taking the time to enjoy what I've got. And what I've got is a beautiful, healthy, happy little girl whom I was Blessed (and lucky enough) to have breastfed for nearly 10 months. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm coming to terms to having to stop nursing. The obvious truth is : I haven't actually breastfed her (as in she's nursed directly) in over a week and a half. I've been pumping and allowing her to have it in the bottle. And obviously without actual stimulation, my milk is going bye bye.

My problem now lies is this : I'm never going to get to nurse another baby. Michael and I have decided that we're done having babies. So perhaps the reason I've fought giving up so hard is because I know that I'll never have the chance to do it again. I've come to grips with feeding her formula, I'm OK with that now. And I realized that if she's OK with not breastfeeding anymore, then I should be too. But mourning the fact that I'm never having another baby is a different story altogether. And that prospect is so sad. It's going to take a whole lot longer to accept than did the decision to stop breastfeeding.

I'd appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers, because it's a really difficult and stressful time right now.